Thursday, October 03, 2002

Unconditional . . . With the Following Conditions

The BBC reports that negotiators from Iraq and the United Nations have agreed on a new definition of the word “unconditional.” Until now the word in English meant “without conditions or restrictions . . . free and unfettered.” The new meaning henceforth will be “in compliance with expedient standards.”

The new definition came as Dr. Hans Blix, the chief negotiator for the U.N., announced an agreement today saying the UNSCOM weapons inspectors would have unconditional access to all sites in Iraq except for eight “palaces” consisting of nearly 1000 nondescript, windowless cinderblock warehouse-like structures with massive cooling towers, colossal conduits of electrical cables linking them and underground missile silos. Satellite photos reveal hundreds of square miles of parched land barren of any vegetation downwind of several of these palaces

The new redefined word unconditional breaks an uncomfortable deadlock that had seemed to force U.N. diplomats to recognize the true intent of the Iraqi fascists and compel the world assembly to back up its sharp words about weapons inspections with equally pointed actions.

Today’s announcement restores and solidifies the status quo and was greeted with relief by the privileged statesmen who would find it difficult to live graciously in New York City on the salary their skills would likely command in the backward impoverished kleptocracies they represent.

“That was a close one,” said Mahabarata Cookandeatacat, the first deputy counsel for The Republic of Fanatistan. “Any further tension would have put in jeopardy all the we have worked so hard to achieve: the prestige, the glamour, the moral equivalence, the tax-free existence that we extranation bureaucrats so enjoy and cherish.”

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