Wednesday, February 12, 2003

Germany Comes to the Aid of Brutal Fascist Dictator

To the chagrin of Joschka Fischer, there’s nothing like the endorsement of a totalitarian police state to burnish your diplomatic credentials.

Today, Deutsche Welle relays the thanks of a grateful military junta to Germany for refusing to defend its fellow NATO member Turkey and obstructing the foreign policy of its most important geopolitical ally, the United States.

Would you say Germany’s political opposition against a war in Iraq has helped the Iraqi government?

It helps Iraq, both the government and the people.

Fischer must be quite proud to see that his Chancellor’s foreign policy freelancing is bearing such abundant fruit. But there’s plenty of credit to go around.

And the Iraqi fascist regime would also like to give a big shout out to all those rubes who are marching for “peace” in San Francisco, Paris, and Gaza City. You’ve helped convince the maximum leader that the International Coalition is completely surrounded and that the wisest course of action is to invite military conflagration.

The U.S. says that Iraq is not complying with U.N. resolution 1441 and that it will be disarmed by force. Do you still think a war can be avoided?

I think we can avoid the war because the expression of peace is bigger than the expression of war, the global resistance to war.

President Bush has said the game is over for Saddam Hussein. What will you do in the case of war?

We don’t care about what they are saying about us because all the world is with us. It’s not easy to start a war against us because of this resistance. You can see that in statements from all countries throughout the world.

Yes, with friends like these the need for jackbooted thug enemies seems to just whither away on the vine.

Still there seems to be some slight disagreement about the Iraqi police state’s cooperation with the United Nations regarding invading and plundering neighbors, developing biological weapons that cause liver cancer in children, using poison gas against ethnic minorities, and concealing evidence of this from the rest of the world.

Currently most countries say that Iraq hasn’t cooperated fully.

No, this is just what you hear from the United States of America and Britain. No other third country says that.

U.N. Chief Weapons inspector Hans Blix has also said that Iraq hasn’t yet fully cooperated.

No, he didn’t say that. He said something different. You have to listen to him again. And we expect him to say something different in his report in two days also.

This is like that skit where Michael Palin argues with John Cleese about whether or not they’re actually having an argument:

“This is not an argument.”

“Yes, it is.”

“No it’s not”

“Yes it is.”

Well, in the spirit of giving the benefit of the doubt even to representatives of heavily armed regimes ruled by vicious tyrants, let’s listen to what Hans Blix is saying. Yesterday’s sound bite included something about a “change of heart” in Baghdad. That does indeed sound hopeful. This report expands on that a bit. "We are not at all at the end of the road," Mr. Blix said. "But nevertheless I'm bound to note, to register, nuances, and this I think was a new nuance."

That sounds like complete and total cooperation to me. I’m convinced. Saddam Hussein is clearly the voice of reason in this manufactured conflict.

I wonder if they award Noble Peace Prizes posthumously?

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